Today has been enlightening. After 1) leaving the conditioner in my hair this morning, 2) returning home because I forgot my phone, but it was in my pocket and 3) crying out of the blue as I was putting away dinner leftovers, I realized there is wayyyyyy too much negative noise in my brain. Just being busy, which I have been, is not keeping the voices at bay.
Both my conscious and sub-conscious are hyper-fixated on the FIRING. That’s exactly how I think of it – all caps and bold. If I could make the letters red, I would. These are some of the unanswered questions that are constantly looping through my head:
How come I was FIRED!
How could she (my ex-boss) treat me that way?
What did I do wrong?
What does everyone at work think?
Why hasn’t anyone at work even reached out to me?
Will (insert one of dozens of names) believe I didn’t do anything wrong?
How am I going to survive?
What if I lose my house?
What will happen to my dogs?
Does she (again, ex-boss) even feel bad?
What am I going to do?
The list literally could go on and on, and the thoughts are much more disjointed than that, but you get the idea. Understandable? Yes. But it’s making me seriously crazy. I’m someone who needs answers and I replay every detail of the FIRING over and over, unable to wrap my head around the how and the why of any of it. I relive the past 16 months, trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong. And I get nothing.
MAKE IT STOP!
I will probably never get the answers I need, so I need to LET IT GO. I want to, I really do, but I don’t know how to quiet my mind. So, I’ve decided to engage in some positive thought/behavior modification and adopt a mantra.
Have you ever seen “True Romance?” If not, run to Netflix now and watch it. Best. Movie. Ever. Well, Alabama Worley’s mantra in the movie is “I’m so cool. I’m so cool.” Cheesy, yes, but it will work for me. I will throw in some other positives like below, but my go-to when all those negative crazy-making thoughts ping away will be to remind myself how very cool I am.
I deserve respect.
I’m a fighter.
I will find an even better job.
Everything will be okay.
I’m a good person.
I can do this!
Down but not out.
I will write more.
I will write a FIRED! self-help book.
I will help others through this.
I’ve got this.
I will survive.
I had a really nice day, even with all the noise. I tried a new writing group and it was downright delightful. I met some really neat people and was very productive to boot. They will be meeting just once a month in the morning, so while I want/need a job I really hope I can go to this group as well.
Then I had lunch with a friend I met through my ex-job which shall forever remain nameless in this blog. I probably talked too much and at one point was more melancholy than I wanted to be, but I’m only human. Hopefully I didn’t scare her away because she’s pretty awesome.
It’s too bad I’m not independently wealthy because I really dig this uncomplicated lifestyle. I don’t need a big house or fancy car or expensive toys. I just need my life to be drama-free, joyful and fulfilling.
DAY 6 ACTION ITEMS:
- Adopt a Mantra – Pick whatever works for you. The first thing that pops into your head is probably best. Doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful but should make you happy and think positively. Practice other affirming self-speak too.
- Watch True Romance – Yes, I’m serious. Best. Movie. Ever. That’s all I can say about that.